Is eating your armour?
Bingeing can feel like protection and safety.
When you binge the rest of the world and everyone in it is pushed away. A blur in the distance.
Especially the people you who make you uncomfortable, who are irritating, demanding, inconsiderate, superior, intrusive, disrespectful or downright rude. If only they were different.
Someone says something or does something and you hate it. You feel attacked. You batten down the hatches. Self-preservation is imperative. Eating huge quantities of food is what you need. Bags of Doritos and a block of cheese. A tub of Ben and Jerrys, or 2 or 3. Giant bars of milk chocolate. A loaf of hot buttered toast. Safety.
I was triggered today. From the simple statement, “answer your own question.” I felt insulted, diminished and attacked. My default was defence.
Before, that would have meant outrage and bingeing. Followed by days of disappointment, self-disgust and despair.
I still feel defensive initially, for sure. But I recognise the defensiveness. Sometimes straight away, sometimes later. Now I see my response says so much more about me than them, it lays bare what I make it mean. Only then can I examine what is true. See alternatives. Open options to choose a different route.
I didn’t binge.
It took me a long time to learn a different way. Nearly 30 years.
You don’t need to wait that long.